Parent-Care is Child-Care
When it comes to caregiving and by extension self-care in the Western world, the focus often ends up centering on the needs of the child - especially when that child is struggling emotionally, mentally, or physically. While this is noble, quite understandable and often completely necessary, parents stuck in this worldview may end up neglecting their own care, which may result in the child being left to turn to a parent that feels burnt out, overwhelmed, and less tolerant of the inevitable moments of distress that the struggling child presents.
The idea of parent-care as child-care is therefore firmly rooted in the belief that parents, as primary caregivers, are the central role model for their children to learn from. By this logic, the well-being of the parent directly impacts their children, in that the child learns how to deal with conflict and stress through watching their parents do just that.
From this assumption, one reason why this concept can be of particular import to a family of a struggling child is that children often have the expectation that anything parents ask them to do should be something that the parents do themselves. In this way, children often can end up being a foil by which parents may begin to see their own shortcomings in taking care of themselves. Instead of viewing this expectation as childish and made in an attempt to avoid responsibility on the part of the child (which it very well may be in some cases) - viewing parent-care as child-care actually helps turn this situation from an attack into a piece of functional and adaptive motivation.
Furthermore, the ability of parents to maintain their own emotional well-being has a direct impact on the emotional development of their children. Research has repreatedly shown that children are highly attuned and influenced by their parents’ emotional states. Therefore, parental stress, depression, and anxiety has the potential to greatly impact their children’s mental health in a negative way. Thus, parents’ decision to prioritizing parent-care not only supports their own well-being but also creates a healthier environment for their children to grow in.
As part of this phenomenon, parent-care therefore also plays an important role in helping to foster a positive parent-child relationship. For a parent that finds themselves struggling to make time for their own self-care, the oft-suggested practices of spending quality time with their child, or providing emotional support on a consistent basis, or setting (and even simply keeping track of) appropriate boundaries and rules may begin to feel out of reach. Nonetheless, being able to institute these practices as a parent is essential for building a strong and secure attachment between parents and children.
Thus, the call to action here is for parents to begin to prioritize ways to engage in self-care - whether that be separately from the kids or with the kids, as well as whether these instances of self-care happen in between daily activities or are the activity. While the old adage of getting a sitter on a Friday night absolutely still applies, there may be important and useful opportunities for self-care woven into daily life.
In closing, here are some examples:
Inviting your child to help you write a gratitude list at the end of the day.
Inviting your child to write a journal entry while you write your own.
Doing a stretching routine while your child does their own before their soccer game.
Before sitting down to watch TV with your child, inviting them to take a couple of deep breaths with you.
Playing board games with your child (extra points for collaborative and non-adversarial games).
Inviting your child to help you prepare a healthy meal at home.
Having a supportive family check-in about each person’s week with your child present.
Doing a favorite song show-and-tell with your child on the way home from school.
Have your child help you create or update a vision board.
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Ben C. S. Lewis, AMFT #144832
