Communicating With a Highly-Sensitive Kid/Teen
Children and teens who are struggling with ongoing difficulties in their social, emotional, or academic lives may develop sensitivities around bids or requests for change initiated by parents (as well as other authority figures). While these difficulties may stem from or be further exacerbated by internally-held negative core beliefs which often benefit from outside therapeutic intervention, how parents deliver these bids for change may also impact how the child or teen receives them and therefore if they take action on these requests.
Let’s look at a quick example: John, 13, struggles with completing homework assignments and often turns after-school interactions with his parents about completing his assignments into an emotionally-taxing power struggle. John’s father, Owen often ends up taking a more blunt approach which usually results in John feeling criticized and hurt, which leads John’s mother, Susan, to attempt to intervene and soothe John. By the end of the evening, John is again playing video games with his friends online without having completed his homework, while Owen and Susan find themselves yet even more confused and frustrated as to how John’s issues are continuing to go seemingly unaddressed and they are left to shake their heads and cross their fingers for something to change.
Here’s a useful template based on Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication model for approaching such an interaction:
Observation: what is the person doing that you can observe?
a. Stem: “What I notice…” or “When you…”
b. Example: “John, when you come home from school and don’t tell me what your plan is for doing homework tonight…”
Feelings: what feelings result from this observation?
a. Stem: “I feel…” or “I end up feeling…”
b. Example: “I feel frustrated and worried”
Needs: what do I need or value that triggers my feelings?
a. Stem: “because I value” or “because I need”
b. Example: “because I really value when you take initiative…”
Requests: the clearly identifiable action you are wanting the person to take.
a. Stem: “would you be willing to…”
b. Example: “would you be willing to tell me what homework you have for the evening and start it after you relax for 45 minutes upon getting home from school?”
All together: “John, when you come home from school and don't tell me what your plan is for doing homework, I feel frustrated and worried because I really value when you take initiative. Would you be willing to tell me what homework you have for the evening and start it after you relax for 45 minutes upon getting home from school?”
Structuring otherwise difficult interactions like this can provide a number of benefits. One is that this method avoids use of evaluations, which tend to elicit a defensive response from people of any age - especially from children and teens who may be both dreading and expecting an acknowledgement of their behavior. Secondly, parents utilizing this method are modeling a distinction between emotions and thoughts, which may have the downstream benefit of teaching the child or teen how to more effectively navigate their own emotional world. Lastly (for the purpose of keeping this blog entry concise), parents are providing a pathway for the child or teen to begin to incrementally collaborate and compromise with the end goal based on the parents' explicitly communicated needs and values (taking initiative/demonstrating autonomy/trying your best) as opposed to effectively requiring them to solve the entire issue on the spot from a results-driven perspective (do your homework).
A good rule of thumb to remember is that if a child or teen could solve a problem on their own, they would! Therefore, a problem that requires extra parental follow-up is an indication that they genuinely need help. Taking a structured approach into moments of well-meaning but necessary confrontation can be an effective way to support them and avoid more conflict, hurt feelings, head-shaking, and finger-crossing.
By: Ben Lewis
