Athletes Raising Athletes: Avoiding Projection
Raise your hand if you are guilty of using the statement “Back when I played…” at least once with your child who plays competitive sports? It is easy for parents who are former athletes to get excited and fully immersed when their children play sports. Taking interest in your child’s sports and activities is encouraged and recommended. However, sometimes the parents' interest can negatively affect their child's athletic endeavors.
There is no doubt that parents want their children to thrive, to be the best, to be great, and to succeed. This can sometimes be pushing their kids to reach the same level of achievement…or even more. The disconnect develops when what the parent wants for their child fails to align with what the child wants for themselves. It is important to recognize your child's own individual identity and remember that even though they are an extension of you, they are not you.
Here is a list of differences to acknowledge and embrace between you and your child rather than project them:
1) ATHLETIC ABILITY
Some sports come easier to some than others. You may have been one that was good at your sport (you broke records, you were well acknowledged, and have medals and trophies to show for it, etc.). That doesn’t automatically transfer over to your child. It is important to recognize that your strength, speed, and skill set will look different than your children and develop at different times in your children and that is okay. Embrace your child for the athletic ability they currently display, not for the one you wish they would have.
2) MENTAL CAPABILITY
Competitive sports have a way of pushing us to our limits and sometimes even past them.
You may have had the capability to push yourself when you were tired, when your body felt weak, or when all odds were against you. Or you may have been the person that gave up easily, cried when things got tough, and crumbled under pressure. Either is okay and either is validated. Rather than convince them of the way you handled things, allow them to figure out their feelings for themselves. Acknowledge and support that your child’s mental capacity may look different than yours.
3) DRIVE/MOTIVATION
We all have different reasons for why we play sports. Some play to be the best. Some play to get a scholarship. Some play to please their parents. Some play to stay in shape. Some play to be around their friends. Some play simply because they just want to have fun. Your motivation may be different from what motivates your child to play. It can sometimes take away the enjoyment of the sport they are playing. If joy is the only thing they get out of the sport, remind them that is what’s most important to you.
For more on unhealthy projection, check out LINK:https://www.heatherhayes.com/parental-projection/ and LINK:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXw0XGOVQvw
for ways to practice!
Troi Jefferson, M.A., Registered Associate MFT #137030, Registered APCC #12644 is supervised by Curt Widhalm LMFT #47333
